Disenfranchised Grief: When Loss Isn’t Recognized

Grief is an experience that we often attribute exclusively to experiences of death. Its characterized in popular media by depictions of grief rituals, black clothes, casserole dishes from neighbors, and in short succession— moving on. Maybe the expectation that a 30-60min show or feature length film would be able to effectively depict the unique, nuanced experience of grieving is too high a bar to set. Either way, it is rare to find a depiction in pop culture that does this deeply intimate process the justice it deserves.

In order to support and validate the real experiences of grief, it becomes important to expand our definitions of what “loss” and “grief” mean. I define grief as an experience, rather than a singular emotion. Grief as an experience encompasses all of the nuance and complexity of our socio-emotional experiences that result from loss. Grief can (and often does) include emotions of sadness, longing, hurt, anger, excitement, confusion, hope, and pride. Grief can show up behaviorally in crying and isolation or in connecting with friends and doing things we love. It can be found in our loss rituals such as funerals and in our remembrance rituals like memorial tattoos or anniversary get togethers. Grief is not a moment in time but rather travels through time with us, getting quieter at some points and louder at others.

There are many types of loss that occur more frequently in our day-to-day life than death loss. The grief that accompanies these losses is real and valid, but often times overlooked. This is called Disenfranchised Grief, which occurs when a person’s loss is not socially recognized, validated, or supported. It may be held to lesser value by society than other significant losses, expecting the griever to move through the loss faster than they are ready to, resulting in negative emotional experiences, shame, and isolation.

The term was first introduced by grief researcher Kenneth Doka to describe grief that is pushed to the margins.

Disenfranchised Grief can happen when:

• The relationship isn’t socially validated

  • The loss of an ex-partner, estranged family member, affair partner, online relationship, or chosen family member

• The loss itself isn’t recognized

  • Miscarriage, infertility, abortion, pet loss, loss of health, loss of identity, or loss of a dream or future, a job/career

• The griever isn’t seen as entitled to grieve

  • People with disabilities, people with substance use disorders, or those perceived as “too functional”

• The circumstances of the loss are stigmatized

  • Suicide, overdose, incarceration, deportation, or death related to violence

In these cases, the message—spoken or unspoken—is often: “This doesn’t count the same way. This is different.”

Just because the pain isn’t recognized doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or goes away. It just means that the griever is left to navigate the waters of grief alone, often times for the first time. As a society we put literal timelines on grief- “you get two weeks PTO when a first degree relative dies and 5 days PTO when a second degree relative dies” expecting that once they have hit those arbitrary time limits, they should be “over it” and back to full capacity and working order (The unfortunate reality of living in late stage capitalism is that pretty much everything centers around making you a more able-bodied worker, but I’ll save that rant for a different blog post).

Disenfranchised grief can lead to social and emotional isolation, feelings of guilt or shame, minimization of the loss, feeling misunderstood by others, and self criticism. These experiences lead to a prolonged grief and suffering for the griever.

Ways to Support Yourself Through Disenfranchised Grief

If you are living with a loss others don’t recognize, consider the following:

1. Give yourself permission to grieve
You don’t need a socially approved reason to mourn. If something mattered to you, its loss matters and it makes sense that you would have difficult and complex emotions when you lose it, even if you are confused by them.

2. Find safe witnesses
Not everyone is capable of holding your grief. Seek out friends, therapists, support groups, or communities who understand the nuance and complexity of the grief experience. Do not continue going back to dry wells, expecting water.

3. Engage with or create your own grief rituals
Light a candle, write a letter, mark an anniversary, get a tattoo, have a dinner with friends/family, or create a private moment of remembrance. Rituals don’t need permission to be meaningful and validating.

4. Challenge minimizing narratives
Gently notice when you invalidate yourself. Note it as “I am having a thought that invalidates my grief” and ask instead: “What did this loss mean to me?”

5. Allow mixed emotions
As I said earlier, the grief experience often includes a myriad of emotions all at once. They are are valid and understandable, even if others in our world don’t understand them.

How We Can Show Up Better for Others

Supporting someone in the grief experience doesn’t require perfect words. Often times we are searching for the “right thing to say” without recognizing that sometimes, grief makes sense and there are no right things to say to remove it. This urge is often motivated by our own discomfort with someone else’s pain— if I can get rid of that pain then I am no longer uncomfortable. Instead, grief requires us to turn into it, rather than away from it, for it to become more manageable. Remember the role you play in this person’s life; you’re not their therapist, you’re their ______________________.

Helpful responses when someone shares their loss could be:

• “It makes sense that you would feel this way.”

• “I can see how much that mattered to you.”

• “I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”

• “Its ok to hurt. This mattered to you.”

Avoid ranking pain, rushing healing, or trying to reframe the loss into something more palatable.

You Are Not Grieving Wrong

If your grief feels invisible, confusing, or lonely, you are not broken—and you are not weak. You are responding to a loss that mattered in a world that didn’t know how to hold it.

Disenfranchised grief reminds us of an important truth: grief is not defined by social rules, but by attachment and meaning.

And your grief—seen or unseen—deserves care.